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On this Christmas morning, are you worried about selecting quite the right present for that someone special? I constantly strive, yet everywhere I turn I’m bombarded with impractical ideas. No, I don’t want a scented wax with a poultry aroma, for the simple reason we’ll be cooking the bird itself. Nor do I want a dawn-simulating clock, because I can leave the blinds achieves the same thing. I certainly do not desire a facial mask containing fish-derived collagen, because that genetic material originates in milt. Were I seeking fish sperm applied to my skin, I'd simply tickle some pollocks.

Seeking Ideas From the Animal Kingdom

Therefore, if you’re always looking for inspiration, I recommend: take a lesson from the animal kingdom. Humans didn’t invent the act of giving. The practice has existed for at least 100 million years, long before humans appeared. Aided from natural selection, wild animals have had creatures ample time to perfect gift-giving. Indeed, some spiders go so far as to wrap their offerings!

Leaving out fitness gear and other things I dislike, there are five main types of holiday presents: food, homeware, jewelry, skincare and clothing. Nature's creatures excels in every category.

Culinary Presents: High-Protein Treats to Artisan Kebabs

Certain cuckoo species offer their mates nutritious morsels including bugs, amphibians, and reptiles. But if you prefer your meat shished, then the great grey shrike, also known as the butcher bird. Males impale their catch, such as insects and mice, on sharp thorns and twigs crafting impromptu kebabs.

Certain insects present to their suitors spitballs, but these aren’t ordinary globs. These are scorpionfly spitballs, created from only the finest saliva sourced from swollen salivary glands of only the fittest males. The delicacy is nutrient-dense, which is one reason females prefer males with big balls.

An additional factor is that the fittest males make the biggest spitballs. When I say “fit” I am not referring to “looks great in a leather jacket”, although they probably do. I mean genetic fitness.

The gifts are offered prior to mating, thus, by selecting the male with the largest gift, the female is also selecting genetic quality. She then eats the gift during sex but ends intercourse the moment it’s all gone. Larger gifts mean extended mating sessions, where the male can transfer additional sperm and the female is unable to mate with other males. This clarifies why he bothers with such an elaborate offering.

Homeware and Bling

These Antarctic penguins don’t give food, but they do present things for the home. In Antarctica, their home, there is no home improvement store, so the penguins must gather their offerings from the local landscape. Each breeding season, males collect small stones and start making a nest. The vital building blocks are rare, leading some opportunists to pilfer stones from nearby nests. However, when a male presents a stone to a potential mate, it signals he is ready to commit. Think of it as the avian version of a diamond ring. The stone doesn’t go on her finger, however. If she wants to get serious, she takes the pebble and places it to the nest. Subsequently, following some finishing touches, they are prepared to start their family.

Speaking of shiny things, corvids are masters in this department. There are many stories of people who have befriended wild corvids and then been given metal caps, fasteners, buttons and other shiny items. For instance, two people in Florida were once given a diamond bracelet by a crow they fed regularly. This is particularly endearing because while most animals give presents in the hope of scoring, crows seem to just enjoy giving.

The Pinnacle of Combination Gift: Sea Sponges

In Western Australia, researchers have observed dolphins collecting pieces of sea sponge from the ocean floor and utilizing them in interesting ways. On occasion, when they’re rummaging for fish, they place the sponges on their beak to shield their sensitive snouts. At other times, when male dolphins wish to woo females, they don them as playful headwear before offering them as gifts.

By doing this, dolphins ingeniously merge two final categories of Christmas gift. Sea sponges are clothing and skin protection. And if that’s not enough, when males give their sponge gifts, they frequently adopt a curved posture and play a little tune via their blowhole.

This is not the half-arsed giving of domestic animals – such as a cat leaving a dead mouse in a hidden spot – or certain individuals. Dolphin gifts are considerate, multipurpose, ethically gathered and delivered with panache. There is a lesson for all of us. A famous singer claims that the only desire during the holidays is a loved one, but if I have one Christmas wish, is to be given a sponge-based headwear and skin guard from a cetacean who serenades me in a stylish manner.